The Return

To: Store manager, Raven’s Dept. Store
From: Sandy Milliken
Re: purchase complaint
This is my third email concerning the extremely expensive coffee maker I purchased recently. I have called and am getting no response. When you pay over $100 for a coffeepot you expect that pot to work. It’s not like it takes rocket science to work the thing. You lift the lid, put in the container, close the lid, push the button – voila! Coffee. Not. I was told by the company to return the pot to you and by you to return the pot to the company. Somebody owes me a refund. Please reply.

To: Sandy Milliken
From: Maurice Beaumont, Store Manager, Raven’s Dept. Store
Re: purchase complaint
Ms. Milliken, We are sorry for the inconvenience you are experiencing with the product you say was purchased at our store. I’m afraid our refund policy doesn’t include the type of issue you are having. That is strictly a manufacturer problem and you will have to take it up with them.

To: Store manager, Raven’s Dept. Store
From: Sandy Milliken
Re: purchase complaint
I SAY was purchased at your store?! What are you implying? And your return policy, which I have read in its entirety, in extremely small print by the way, very specifically states you do INDEED take returns of faulty appliances. I was going to ask for an exchange, but now I will be seeking a refund instead. It was exactly $122.76. I’ll bring it in tomorrow.

To: Sandy Milliken
From: Maurice Beaumont, Store Manager, Raven’s Dept. Store
Re: purchase complaint
We’re sorry, ma’am, that you are unhappy with your purchase, regardless of where you bought it. We no longer carry that particular item and therefore cannot refund it.

To: Store manager, Raven’s Dept. Store
From: Sandy Milliken
Re: purchase complaint
That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I have the receipt. You WILL refund it.

To: Sandy Milliken
From: Maurice Beaumont, Store Manager, Raven’s Dept. Store
Re: purchase complaint
Ms. Milliken, any woman who shops at our store understands the policies here. We know how important that coffeepot is to you, as many of the ladies we see have purchased similar items. Please refrain from using a threatening tone with me. Unless you want me to call the authorities, I suggest you take your complaint up with the manufacturer, the ones you should have been speaking to all along.

To: Store manager, Raven’s Dept. Store
From: Sandy Milliken
Re: purchase complaint
The authorities? The authorities?! I’m married to a cop, you know. Perhaps my family cop should pay you a visit. You can discuss all the legalities you want while you WRITE ME A REFUND CHECK.

To: Mike Milliken
From: Sandy Milliken
Re: Stupid store
Mike – I’m attaching all the emails from that goober at Raven’s. Yes, I threatened them with you. Can you go in there with your hand resting on your gun and get me my refund?

To: Sandy Milliken
From: Mike Milliken
Re: Stupid store
Worst idea ever. But it sounds like fun. I’ll go in on the way home. Off-duty. Kisses!

To: Sandy Milliken
From: Maurice Beaumont, Store Manager, Raven’s Dept. Store
Re: purchase complaint
Officer Mike Milliken paid me a visit this afternoon in my office at Raven’s. The visit was very productive for both of us. First, I made some assumptions I shouldn’t have, as I’m sure you have noticed. Second, I have reviewed our policies and you are, indeed, entitled to the refund. I must have the product, so at your earliest convenience, if you would bring it in either I or my assistant will be happy to refund your purchase.
On another note, Officer Milliken asked me to tell you she is on her way home and will bring home supper.
Thank you, Mr. Milliken, for your business.

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